


i’m still looking

by scooter3scooter



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, spider-man homecoming
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Crying, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Precious Peter Parker, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-24
Updated: 2018-12-01
Packaged: 2019-08-28 09:35:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16720854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scooter3scooter/pseuds/scooter3scooter
Summary: I didn’t turn around. It’s not my fault what happened. Except it is. It always is.





	1. i didn’t mean to

“Hey Penis!”

 

I didn’t turn around. It’s not my fault what happened. _Except_ _it is. It always is._

 

“Penis!” Flash called out, “I’m talking to you! What, are you too good to talk to me now? Penis!” That’s when he grabbed me. He forcibly turned me around to face him. “Scared to look me in the eye, Penis?”

 

“Leave me alone, Flash,” my voice was dangerously low. I didn’t wait for his response, I just turned around and started walking away, faster that time.

 

“Where are you going? Your precious Stark internship? You still pretending he knows you exist?” I knew what he was doing, and I managed to keep walking at a somewhat normal pace. “You think he cares about you?! What do you even want him for?! To be your new dad? Cuz your parents got sick of you and killed themselves? Cuz your uncle did the same? And your aunt is next.”

 

Tears _burned_ against my eyes. That was when he ran ahead of me, blocking me from going any further.

 

“Wow, this is all it took for you to cry?”

 

All eyes were on me. They were waiting for me to do something. He was too. For once, I made the right decision. I tried to push past him. I tried to _get away._ Then he grabbed my wrist. It was too easy to twist out of his grip. You would think that’s when I would have snapped.

 

“No one ever loved you, no one will, it’s stupid to think you can even _pretend_ that Stark knows about you.”

 

That’s when I snapped. That’s when I made the wrong decision.

 

I didn’t mean to actually punch him. I didn’t mean to send him flying into the wall. I didn’t mean to make the wrong decision.  I was running then, not out of the building like I should have, but into the bathroom. Into the last stall, collapsing on the ground. I couldn't do it. Not today. You can’t dare call it an anniversary, not when my uncle is dead...and it’s my fault.

 

_Everything’s my fault...all of it. What if Flash is right? What if they would be happy to be without me? How else could all of them have died? Everyone disappears...but me. How have I not died yet? How have I held on so long? It’s so much easier to just...let...go..._

 

…

 

“Where is he?” Mr. Stark leaned forward from the back seat.

 

“I don’t know, Boss.”

 

“Should I go in there?” He wondered, already having a hand on the door handle.

 

“Have you tried texting him?” Happy suggested emotionlessly. Mr. Stark scoffed as if he isn’t genius enough to think of that himself, though he took out his phone a moment later.

 

…

 

My phone buzzed in my back pocket, I barely managed to take it out and push it across the floor, not bothering to see who texted.

 

I couldn’t stop the tears pouring from my eyes. I couldn’t help that my breathing was too fast, not sufficient enough to breathe properly. With my legs pulled to my chest, I laid on the disgusting bathroom floor and cried.

 

I cried like I haven’t since...since he died. I haven’t allowed myself to do so. Not so openly. I wish I hadn’t.

 

The thing is...when you lose someone, you start looking for them in everyone else. And you feel _so lost_ when you can’t find them. Because...no matter how long...or how short they were in your life...when they left, they stole a part of you with them.

 

_And I’m still looking for that part..._

 


	2. let me go

It’s terrifying when you are crying so hard that you literally cannot breathe, not enough oxygen is going in and you can’t fix it. You are left gasping for breath and it’s like you are drowning in your own tears. The water just gets so high and no matter how hard you swim, you won’t be able to reach the surface. You won’t be able to _breathe_.

 

My phone went off again.

 

What do you do when you’re drowning? Wait for someone to come save you? _But no one's coming…_

 

_Maybe this could be it. It could all just end. I could just let go..._

 

My phone buzzed again.

 

And again.

 

One of the greatest lies you will by hear is ‘I’m fine.’ It never means I'm fine, it hides all the screams you don't hear, all the scars you don't see, all the tears that are shed when no one is around. Most people are screaming, you just have to learn how to hear it.

 

The deepest pain is when you are trying so hard not to cry. It is such a deep pain inside when you are trying so hard to hold in the tears. You will know it when you feel it, if you haven't felt it I don't know if I should call you lucky. You haven't had the need to hold in tears so bad it kills. But maybe you have never had a reason to cry so hard.

 

Most people never see me cry. I may tear up, but I never let those tears fall. Just because you don't see me cry doesn't mean that I am not sobbing on the inside, screaming for someone to hear me. That every ‘I’m fine.’ is not a scream of help me, save me. That I am not struggling with all my might to not fall into the desire to cut my pain away. That I am not biting my lip so hard that all I taste is metallic liquid. That I do not cry myself to sleep every night but am still holding back because I still do not feel safe enough to sob as much as I need to. That I still feel that killing pain when you are trying so hard to hold in tears even in the darkness of my room alone at night. I am just screaming without a sound needing someone to understand and hear me. That all I feel is pain. Even the safest people, the people I trust with things I can't trust with others...I still can't cry with them. Tearing up is the most. ‘I’m fine.’ is a lie that people just deem as true, they don't look deep enough. They think crying is weakness, imperfections are worthlessness, difference is to be hated, mistakes are stupidity.

 

Not all tears are with the eyes. Not all screams are with our mouths. Not all smiles are real. Not all laughs are because of happiness. Not all pain is told. Not all suffering is seen. Not all insecurities are heard. Not all weakness is physical. Not all jokes are jokes. Not all wars are with guns. Not all battles are visible. Not all beauty is seen. Not all people that want to be seen say so. Not all self-harming is with a blade. Not all scars are on the outside. And not all physical scars are seen.

 

Then there was knocking.

 

If they left me here to die, I wouldn’t get up.

 

“Pete? Kid it’s Tony, can you open up,” he was right on the other side of the stall.

 

 _He’s not supposed to be here. He’s not supposed to see me broken and so messed up and so like_ this _._

 

I tried to speak, to say, what? That I’m _fine_? To go away? But my words wouldn’t come out.

 

“Kid, if you don’t open up, I’m coming in anyway. I’ll crawl under the door if I have to,” Mr. Stark voice was a mix of too many emotions for my overwhelmed brain to decipher.

 

_No...please leave me here. Let me let go..._


	3. nothing

He was true to his word.

 

“Oh kid…” then he was sitting on the dirty floor next to me. “Come on Underoos, breathe with me.” He started taking in exaggerated breaths, when I still couldn't, _or wouldn’t_ , follow he lifted me up to lean against his chest. “Feel that? Feel my breaths? Feel my heartbeat? Focus on that, okay?”

 

It was calming, the steady beats of his heart could drown out almost any noise if I focused on it enough.

 

“There you go, Pete,” he reached down and rubbed his thumb over my cheek, wiping away the tears I didn’t know were still leaking out.

 

_He’s...he’s acting like a dad._

 

That thought shouldn’t have sent me spiraling again.

 

“Woah, okay, kid I’m right here. I won’t leave you, alright? Why-why are you shaking your head?”

 

“You-you shouldn’t-you shouldn’t _be_ here,” I got out through hiccuping breaths.

 

“What?” He was so utterly confused, and...pained? Before he could say more, ask _why_ , I let out another sob. Despite everything, he pulled me back into his chest.

 

_He’ll hate me...he’ll leave. If he doesn’t hate me he’ll die. Everyone dies. Everyone. But me. Why not me?_

 

He rubbed circles on my back, whispered soothing words in my year, kept taking deep breaths to help lead me. _How could he care so much?_

 

…

 

I woke up with a gasp. Everything was pitch black, not even I could see. It felt like I was sitting on a bed, one softer than the one at my apartment, it doesn’t make sense.

 

“Hey Pete,” Mr. Stark entered the bedroom, the lights automatically turned up enough for us to see. “You’re upstate, I already called May and told her you were spending the night here. You fell asleep after your panic attack earlier. You know we have to talk about what happened.”

 

He allowed me a moment to process all the information before I responded, “which thing do you want to talk about?”

 

He came over and sat next to me on the overly large bed. My eyes went everywhere but towards him.

 

“All of it. First off, can you explain why you punched a kid?”

 

_I really did hit him…_

 

I sniffed before mumbling out, “he said some stuff.”

 

“Look, I know you’ve been getting bullied at school. Happy told me about you venting to him on the drives over here. You can tell me the truth.”

 

“He just said something stupid and I overreacted.”

 

He huffed out a breath, “Peter, I know you. You don’t just go punching people that insult you. What did he actually say?”

 

“He just...made fun of my parents and uncle dying…” I whispered at a volume so low even I could barely hear it.

 

“He did _what_ ? That-that monster!” He snapped, “what kind of fuc- _freaking_ monster makes fun of something like that?!” He actually stood up and started pacing around the room, “I’ll get him expelled!”

 

“Don’t! That’ll just make everything worse,” I tried to stop him.

 

“I can’t just let you keep being bullied, Peter!”

 

“He doesn’t deserve to have his life ruined just because of me,” I heard myself reasoning.

 

“You don’t deserve to have your high school experience ruined by that little fu-freaker.”

 

I would love for him to be gone, to not go to school scared, but then everyone will know that I ruined his life. He’ll hate me more than ever, and everyone else at school will have more ammunition to shoot me down with.

 

“Fine. For now,” he seethed. Before his gaze turned softer, and sadder. He sat back down next to me before continuing, “what did you mean when you said I shouldn’t be here?”

  


“I’m scared…”

 

_I’m so stupid..._

 

“What are you scared of?”

 

_Everything._

 

“That you will see me the same way I see myself…” _I’m actually being honest with him._

 

“How do you see yourself?” An unusual hesitance filled his words.

 

_Worthless, hideous, stupid, liar, two-faced, hypocrite, self-harmer, self-hater, zero self-esteem, not worth it, an idiot, ugly, fat, talentless, unlovable, zero confidence, depressed, scared, pathetic, unwanted, a monster, horrible, useless, spaz, jerk, complainer, invisible, cryer, loser, dumb, lame, weak, sad, cruel, failure, anxious, self-centered, unconfident, insecure, attention seeker, dark, ungrateful, hidden, terrible, secretive, guarded, bully, not cared about, overconfident, beast, hopeless, needy, fake, criticizer, discriminative, mean, rude, unreal, horrid, hated, hater, wounded, worried, alone, isolated, misunderstood, beat up, harassed, attacked, unheard, unseen, falling apart, broken, unloved, worse than, depressing, miserable, short-fused, angry, can't take a hint, clingy, obnoxious, annoying, too talkative, too quiet, not good enough, loss of innocence, lost, mad, damaged, cold, pointless, unfunny, passive-aggressive, weird, insane, fragile, shattered, toxic, unsaveable, selfish, waste, trash, nobody, heartless, depressed, anxiety filled, suicidal, nothing…_

 

“Nothing.”

 

“You see yourself as a nothing?” He breathed.

 

I nodded.


	4. What to do

_ I can't breathe _

_ And I don't want to _

_ I'm crying _

_ And I don't want to stop _

_ The bad thoughts come _

_ And I let them _

_ I'm failing _

_ And I want to give up _

_ I'm running out of time _

_ And I want it all to stop _

_ But I'm left suffocating, sobbing, hurt, and out of time _

_ I'm left failing _

_ I fail _

_ I'm a failure and everyone only sees that _

_ Not The brokenness behind the label  _

 

… 

 

“I don't know what to do about him, Happy,” Tony sighed, putting his head in his hands. 

 

“What do you mean?” He did not succeed in keeping his typical emotionless tone.

 

“He said he was nothing,” his voice came out in a broken whisper, something so different from his trademark nonchalant attitude the rest of the world knows. 

 

“What?” Tony couldn't pick out what emotions were conveyed in the single word.

 

“He thinks he's nothing…” 

 

“It's not your fault. You couldn't have known-” 

 

He was quickly cut off by Tony’s flare of anger, “couldn't have known? How could I not...I  _ should  _ have seen how much he hates himself. I could have helped him! A kid that...that  _ good  _ and  _ selfless  _ does not deserve to hate himself.”

 

“You can help him now. Have you told him how you feel about him?” Tony knew immediately what Happy was referring to.

 

“I can't just  _ say  _ that to him,” not even the practically patented confidence Stark always shows could not fool his friend.

 

“Maybe it's exactly what he needs to hear.”

 

… 

 

 _What am I supposed to do now? I just told the_ _Tony Stark that I'm a nothing. As if he doesn't already know…_

 

_ But he just saw me sobbing and so broken. He’ll want nothing to do with me. I'm more work than what I'm worth. He'll make me leave.  _

 

_ But it's better that way. _

 

“Hey Pete,” he called my name.

 

_ This is it. I deserve what I'm about to get. _

 

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm really sorry I haven't posted and that this is really short and awful. I've been crazy busy and I'll be really busy every day for the next week, but I hope to keep updating quickly.
> 
> U P D A T E
> 
> My crap got canceled for tomorrow so I’ll be able to write!


	5. Deserving

“Hey Pete,” Tony greeted, attempting to sound cheerful.

 

“Hey,” Peter smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

 

It was utterly terrifying watching him put on his mask, his armor. Watching him cry, then watching him wipe away the tears, take a single deep breath, and force out a smile. The way he talked, he sounded happy, he sounded like he could be joking around with you and just being  _ happy _ . He made that smile so easily, putting on that protective mask like another layer of skin. The smile never met his eyes. But then the scariest realization happened. This smile, that smile, is the familiar one. The one to compose himself with, the armor to hide the broken little boy still crying inside. The one seen too often. More often than any smile that reaches his eyes. That smile that is so forced, yet comes with just a wipe of the tears, and a single deep breath. It's utterly terrifying watching someone so clearly broken down seem  _ so happy  _ seconds later. It's utterly terrifying watching someone put on their mask, as if it's just another layer of skin, except this one is the armor to hide the crying child inside.

 

“So I just finished talking to May, I told her I want you to spend the weekend here,” he quickly continued before Peter could protest, “I didn’t tell her why I want you here. She agreed. So...yeah.”

 

Peter sputtered for a moment, not really forming any real words.

 

… 

 

_ He doesn’t want me to leave, but he wants me to  _ stay _? I just...I don’t know how to feel about that. _

 

“Look, Peter. I’m not good at this whole...feeling thing, but you know that. I just, I just need you to know that I’m always here for you. I don’t care that I’m  _ The  _ Tony Stark, I care about you, kid. And I want you, I  _ need _ you to be able to talk to me,” though he sounded awkward, it was sincere.

 

_ How can someone like him even want to be in the same building as me, let alone want me to open up to him. _

 

_ He’s like Uncle Ben…  _

 

_ But Ben died. And my dad died. And my mom died. Everyone died. Everyone will die. If Mr. Stark stays, he’ll just die to. And I’ll be shoved back into that black abyss again. I haven’t even crawled my way back out yet. _

 

“Underoos, you okay? You haven’t said anything. I know I just dumped a bunch of info on you, and I totally get if you disagree or-”

 

“No! It’s not that-oh I’m sorry, I’m sorry I cut you off and I shouldn't have, sorry,” I rambled, wincing at the end.

 

“No, it’s alright,” he assured me, “What were you going to say?”

 

“Oh, just that...that it’s not that I don’t want to stay, but I thought you were going to tell me to leave,” I ended in a whisper.

 

His eyes widened, “why would you think that?”

 

_ I offended him. _

 

I just shrugged.

 

“Kid, I literally just talked to you about talking to me. You don’t have to pour out your whole life story if you don’t want to, but I do want to know how you’re feeling.” Though he smiled at me, I know he’s mad. How couldn't he be mad at me?

 

“Why would a hero like you want to be around a kid like me?” I wish my voice didn’t sound so much like a little child.

 

“Why would such a selfless, good, kind, caring, hero want to be with an ex-alcoholic, selfish, screw up like me?” 

 

“What?” My voice came out so small.

 

“To be completely honest with you, Underoos, I’m the one that doesn’t deserve to be in your presence.”


	6. what he needs

Depression: 

Drowning

Suffocating

Too much

Not enough 

Everything

Nothing

Gone

Still here

Lost

No one cares to look

Can't breathe

Don't want to

Do I even want to get better

What am I doing

Am I lazy

If I'm dying

How is my body breathing

When my heart just breathes in blood

I'm bleeding my soul out

I'm beating my blood out 

I'm breathing my heart away

My body tries to kill my mind

My mind tries to kill my soul

My soul tries to kill my heart

My heart is dead

My soul is bewitched

My body is flaws upon imperfections

My mind is going too fast but everything is in slow motion

Every death elongated

Every scar deepened until it hits my heart

Everything is too much

Except I'm still not enough

I am everything but I'm numb with nothingness

Yet I still feel

Everything 

 

… 

 

“Happy, I’m going to get a kid expelled. I’m going to sue him until he’s left begging for scraps. And I don’t care what anyone thinks,” Tony announced, determined.

 

“Is that really what Peter needs?” Happy retorted.

 

“To not be bullied anymore? Yes, yes it is.”

 

“Ruining a kids life-”

 

“So that kid gets to ruin  _ my  _ kids life, but I can’t ruin his?!” 

 

“Don’t yell, I’m just saying that this could make things worse what the kid  _ doesn’t _ need is to be mad at you for not listening to him,” Happy reasoned.

 

“Then how do I deal with the bullying?” Tony asked, clearly deflated.

 

“Something not as public.”

 

“That could work,” Tony had a devious smile on his face.


	7. What you know

“So…” Mr. Stark started, not seeming to know where he wanted to go from there, “what do you want to do?”

I just gave him a noncommittal shrug.

 

“Come on kid, you gotta give me something. We could...um, work in the lab? Watch a movie? Um...other stuff you like to do?” I tried to smile, I did. But it’s like that numbing nothingness has taken over again. It’s better than the pain. It happens sometimes, were I just can’t  _ feel  _ anything. 

 

“I dunno,” I mumbled, shrugging again.

 

“Okay, kiddo, you gotta stop with the shrugging, I don’t know what it means.” I was about to shrug again, but stopped myself.

 

After a moment, he asked, “what’s going on?”

 

_ There’s no harm in telling him this. _

 

“Just, sometimes, I feel a little numb…”

 

That took away any humor left in him. “How long has this been going on?” 

 

“It's not a big deal,” I tried to tell him but he was quick to disagree.

 

“That's not an answer to my question,” he's actually being serious.  _ I messed this up too. _

 

“It’s always been like that, sometimes it’s better. If you don’t feel, then… then it’s just better,” it sounds so sick when you say it aloud.

 

“Aw buddy...that’s…” he took a breath, thinking through his words, “that’s not good. That can be dangerous. Can we, can we try to work on that? Can you tell me when you feel numb?” 

 

I nodded, knowing I wouldn’t tell him anyway.

 

“One thing I do want to talk to you about, is Flash Thompson. You don’t have to worry about getting in trouble for hitting him, I already took care of that. But what I do want to talk about is what you are comfortable with for actions to take care of him. The bullying needs to stop, period. But I don’t want things to get worse for you. So can you work with me on this?” He tried to convince me, seeming almost hopeful.

 

“If he doesn’t bully me, he’ll just bully someone else. It’s better this way.”  _ It is. It has to be. It helps those who can’t defend themselves. It defends people that are like how I was. _

 

“But the bullying started before you got your abilities?” He asked, already knowing the answer.

 

“If we do something he’ll just go around and hurt someone worse,” my patience for this conversation was rapidly thinning.

 

“You don’t know that,” he tried.

 

“And you don’t know that he won’t!” I didn’t mean to yell. I didn’t mean to be like this.

 

I left the room before he could tell me to leave.


	8. gone

I couldn't stop staring at that one spot of the wall. There's nothing necessarily special about that spot, or the wall in general, but I couldn't look away. 

 

My thoughts stopped.

 

It was nothingness. And it was perfect. You can't feel pain if you can't feel. And it's worth it. You can't ruin anything if you aren't here.

 

Am I even here? It's like I'm floating. Like I see my body staring at the wall, but I can't stop it. And I don't want to. Why feel if it just messes everything up? It's better like this. It's always better like this.

 

Even when Mr. Stark shook me by my shoulders, snapped his fingers in front of my face, it was hard to get out of it. 

 

“What happened?” I asked as soon as my thoughts began again.

 

“Kid, do-do you not remember?” He asked carefully.

 

“Remember…” I mumbled. I remember bliss and nothingness and  _ how long was that for?  _ “What time is it?”

 

“Six.”

  
_ I was  _ gone  _ for four hours. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know what to do for this story anymore


	9. meant it

“Kid, how often does that happen? That you float off for a while?” He seemed to be trying really hard to not freak out.

 

“Whenever I get really upset,” I whispered, suddenly shrinking in on myself.

 

“Ok-okay, okay, that’s, alright,” he was running his hands through his hair frantically.

 

“Mr. Stark?” I waited until he looked at me, “is it bad?” 

 

He smiled sadly, “it’s not good buddy. But we can work on it, alright? Do you know why you phase out?”

 

_ Everything is too much. All the emotions come flooding in and there’s no way out. Except to pull the plug. Nothing is better than everything. Too little is better than too much. Because I need to. Because if I don’t then I’ll feel all those nasty emotions and I’ll cry and I’ll panic and I’ll  _ ruin  _ everything again. I’ll- _

 

“Pete, kid, your phasing out again,” he pulled me back to reality.

 

“That one was different,” at his ‘how’ I continued, “I got lost in my thoughts. When, when I...start floating off, it’s like my thoughts stop. Everything stops and it’s...it’s bliss.”

 

He took a moment to take in everything I said. So many emotions crossed his face, and he looked so much older than usual. 

 

Before he could find his words, his phone went off. Normally he would ignore it, but this time, he actually answered. 

 

“Hello, did you find what I asked?...Really?...That’s perfect...Great, get it done,” and it was over as quick as it started.

 

“What was that? If I may ask?” I questioned, quickly correcting myself.

 

“I’m not going to lie to you. I had some of my guys look for any dirt on Flash and his family. And they found something...interesting. So pretty much, if you want, we could take action without anyone knowing you had anything to do with it,” he explain, “I know you don’t want to ruin his life, but I think this may be the best way to get  _ something  _ done without it being harder on you,” he added on, trying to appease me. 

 

“I-I mean, I know something should probably be done. And I don’t know how else we could do it. So...I guess.” His smile was much more devious than I expected, before softening and putting an arm around me. It was good.

 

“Pete, if it’s okay with you. Can you explain to me what you like so much about ‘floating off’?” He turned to fully face me.

 

“You can’t be hurt if you can’t feel. I can’t handle all the emotions.”

 

“Okay, okay, we can work with that. We are in this together. That’s not going to change, okay?”

 

“Yeah,” and I meant it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so guys, I'm sorry this ended so quickly and abruptly. But I honestly feel like I need to focus on my other story. I love this one, but the other one means the world to me, it's What do I need?. If you read it it'll make sense why I chose that one. I'm sorry, I hope you’ll read my other story.

**Author's Note:**

> Please give feedback, I really appreciate it.


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